Reconnecting with an estranged family member can bring a lot of past emotions to the surface. For one, if you’re looking to reconnect with a child who has disconnected from you, it might challenging. Also, gear up for a long term journey. It has taken many years to create the disconnection and hostility. So, it will take lots of time and little moments of nurturing to rebuild connection and a meaningful relationship. Overall, at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching, the team of therapists help parents reconnect with estranged daughters or sons. So, if your child it will no longer speak to you, the first thing you can do is write a letter to them.
How to write a letter to your estranged child (that you won’t actually give to them)
To begin, write this letter as if you were going to write to your daughter, who you miss so deeply. But, do you not actually mail this letter. Letter writing helps parents reconnect with estranged daughters or sons by building self-connection and self-awareness. Now, this is more of an exercise for you to get clear on what type of relationship you would like moving forward. For instance, you may say, “I am so sorry. I wish I could have been there more for you when you were younger.” At Wisdom Within Counseling, in Connecticut, and through online counseling, we help parents reconnect with estranged daughters or sons.
Notice yourself when it comes to reconnecting your relationship with your estranged daughter or son
Now, this experience of reconnecting with your estranged daughter or son is not actually about getting a relationship back. Instead, think of this as a journey of healing all of the unhealed parts of yourself. For instance, the parts of you that get angry really easily and fly off the handle with hostility. Also, notice the part of you that might be emotionally shaming to your daughter or not want the tears. Perhaps, there was a time when your son or daughter was crying and you made her feel ashamed for being emotional. Moments like this might have very little impact on you as a parent. But, the experience of reconnecting with your estranged daughter or son is not actually about getting a relationship back. But, a child’s mind may hold onto very specific, traumatic memories as part of the root of the cut off or grudge.
Talk about issues without getting defensive
If your son or daughter wants to talk about the past, just listen. Also, talking about these issues will be a very big step in rebuilding a healthy loving relationship. Remember, it is always okay to cry. Really, crying is a beautiful part of healing anger and showing vulnerability. As a parent, crying can help your adult child see you are human too. To note, daughters and sons often hold anger, hostility, and choose to become estranged as a result of unhealed traumatic wound.
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Focus on build emotional closeness, not buying love
Also, it might feel easy to try to offer your estranged child or young adult money. However, I would encourage you to forgo offering money. Unfortunately, offering money can make your child feel like you’re buying their love. Often times, and emotional, meaningful connection can help heal a thousand times over. See if you can text or email your son or daughter. As a parent, you may need to be the one to take initiative and text your child every morning. Also, your adult child may not respond, but keep the communication going. Even if it is one way, they receive them. Your son or daughter may also be testing you to see if you will give up easily.
What to share when you are a parent reconnecting with estranged daughters or sons
I would recommend bringing up a positive childhood memory that you can share, that brought you both joy. So, text a memory of this event or email in memory of this positive, fun event to your son or daughter. Focusing on a positive past memory can help to rebuild a connection with an estranged daughter or son. Remember, don’t start by going into deep, past issues. Essentially, keep your messages about positive, happy, confident moment at first. At Wisdom Within Counseling, in Southeastern Connecticut, we help parents reconnect with estranged daughters or sons. You can have a safe place to talk about all your concerns.
Apologize first
As a parent, it’s important to take accountability for your anger, past traumas, and behaviors. Remember, you may need to be humble and take a step down. Also, apologize for any type of challenging moments from the past. Perhaps, there was a moment in your parenting where you had an addiction or alcoholism that challenged your family and your children. Or, perhaps you had bipolar disorder and that impacted your family. Apologizing for any past hurt not only liberate yourself. But, apologizing shows your child that you are willing to do what it takes to have a meaningful relationship. Lastly, a true, meaningful relationship is about repairing and healing after past hurt and betrayal. At Wisdom Within Counseling, we help parents reconnect with estranged daughters or sons through holistic therapies.
Take time to mourn the loss if you are a parents who can’t reconnect with an estranged daughters or sons
Also, if your son or daughter has completely cut you off and will no longer connect or speak with you, take time to mourn the loss. Essentially, this is a loss just like a death in the family and the grieving process. So, take time to cry. Crying is always okay. Also, journal about the loss of relationship.
Adopt another young adult as your son or daughter
To add, be resilient. See if you can find someone in your neighborhood or in your town that can be a an adopted daughter or son. Often, emerging young adults need guidance from mature older adults. Remember, keep sharing your love and positivity. For instance, is a young adult that lives near you that needs a loving parent? And, can offer your love to that emerging young adult in the form of positive energy?
To start, book a phone consultation to learn more about how our team of therapists can help you gain clarity and confidence using the pink button below.
Parents reconnect with estranged daughters or sons can seek individual counseling
If your son or daughter has cut you off, choose to focus on yourself through counseling or telehealth. At Wisdom Within Counseling offer online telehealth from any location and in person East Lyme, Connecticut Therapy. Furthermore, counseling can help you come to terms with the past. And, individual counseling can help you gain clarity around your relationship with your estranged son or daughter. Family therapy can help you understand your behaviors and a role in the parent-child relationship. Lastly, counseling can also help you prepare for reconnecting and help you prevent making the same mistakes you did in the past, which caused the cut off.
About The Author, Katie Ziskind, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Expert with Children, Couples, and Teenagers, Yoga Therapist
This article was written by Katie Ziskind. Katie Ziskind is the owner of Wisdom Within Counseling in East Lyme Connecticut and a licensed marriage and family therapist. Also, Katie Ziskind specializes with holistic counseling, creative art, yoga therapy, mind-body medicine, LGBTQIA+, child therapy, marriage counseling. Overall, the team of marriage and family therapist specialize in complex family conflict, divorce, and highly sensitive people in relationships.
