Have you been betrayed by your spouse? Do you feel distant from your wife or husband post affair? Couples therapy can help rekindle intimacy and create an ever-lasting bond.
Society favors marriage, incentivizing nearly everything associated with marriage, from letting married couples deduct $24,400 as opposed to just $18,350 for head of household on their taxes to saving 30 percent on buying car insurance for two drivers with one car.
Humans also gravitate toward coupledom as it promotes more peaceful households, increases personal happiness, and provides more opportunities for quality parenting.
So, if marriage provides better finances, better health, better quality of life, why do so many married partners stray? Here we will discuss how common affairs and betrayals are, why partners have affairs, and the best ways to successfully navigate the healing path back to a happy, caring married life.
The State of Infidelity in Marriage
There are several myths tied to infidelity including that everyone has affairs, that a spouse looks to have an affair, and also that affairs happen for sexual attraction.
But the responses from married people who have had an affair show that most of those myths are just that — myths.
Infidelity by the Numbers
Not everyone has affairs, but four out of 10 marriages are challenged by them. And perhaps unsurprisingly, men are more likely to cheat than women. A recent General Social Survey (GSS) found 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women reported they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse.
However, there is an exception to every rule. Women ages 18-29 are slightly more likely than men of the same age to be guilty of infidelity in a marriage.
The survey also found that women in their 60s reported the highest rate of infidelity, with infidelity spiking in the 70s for men. The contributing factor given for that was Americans born in the 1940s and 1950s reported the highest rates of extramarital sex, perhaps because they were the first generations to come of age during the sexual revolution.
Most people who cheat have been married for 20 to 30 years. And cheating isn’t isolated to one part of the country or one type of city.
Just look at the top 20 cities that have the most infidelity per capita, which, you may be surprised to see, doesn’t include Los Angeles or New York City:
- Orlando, Florida
- Newark, New Jersey
- St. Louis, Missouri
- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
- Fremont, California
- Atlanta, George
- Cincinnati, Ohio
- Las Vegas, Nevada
- Tampa, Florida
- Gilbert, Arizona
- Hialeah, Florida
- Cleveland, Ohio
- Garland, Texas
- St. Petersburg, Florida
- Plano, Texas
- Seattle, Washington
- Boston, Massachusetts
- Sacramento, California
- Anaheim, California
- Arlington, Texas
The Causes of an Extramarital Affair
Most people point to sex as a main reason for an affair, but it often goes deeper than that. There are different ways of finding out about an affair. You may discover it yourself or your spouse may confess. And there are different reactions to an affair that range from hurt to sadness to anger.
But everyone asks the same question — “Why?”
Common reasons include:
- Lack of fondness and caring for each other
- Communication breakdown
- Physical health issues, such as chronic pain or disability
- Mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, ADD, or bipolar disorder
- Addiction issues
- Unaddressed marital problems that have been building for years
Basically, people who cheat try to fulfill their need for acceptance, respect, love, wanting, or praise. They are trying to compensate for what is lacking in their marriage.
Unfortunately, in long-term marriages,the stresses of ordinary life cause couples to become distant. The pressures and commitments that come with careers, added to the responsibilities of raising children and perhaps caring for parents, leaves couples with fewer opportunities to make time for each other.
This means couples drift farther and farther apart. Misunderstandings pile up, and couples fall into a rut. Most causes of an affair dovetail with these signs that you need marriage counseling.
The Healing Stage After a Marital Affair – Couples Therapy
Yes, infidelity causes emotional pain, but an affair doesn’t have to mean the end of the marriage. In fact, more than half of American marriages survive an affair. When both spouses commit to authentic healing, most marriages survive and many even become stronger with deeper levels of intimacy.
The best way to mend a broken marriage is to seek professional help. Couples therapy is a great place to start.
According to research done by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, over 98 percent of couples surveyed reported they received good or excellent couples therapy. Over 97 percent said they got effective help. And 93 percent stated they had more effective tools for dealing with their problems.
A marriage counselor is a licensed therapist who receives training in marital therapy and also has experience dealing with infidelity.
Marriage counselors are impartial, nonjudgmental, understanding, and well-trained, which means they can help you put the affair into perspective, identify issues that might have contributed to the affair, teach you how to rebuild and strengthen your relationship, and help you avoid divorce.
Couples therapy can guide you through the process to restore trust in each other. The unfaithful partner can work on admitting guilt and pursuing authentic forgiveness, and their partner can work toward offering forgiveness.
Holistic Couples Therapy
Try a holistic marriage counseling approach, which helps clients heal by taking the entire human being and their life experiences into consideration for assessment and treatment This approach focuses on the relationship between mind, body, and spirit, attempting to understand and address the ways issues in one aspect of a person can lead to concern in other areas.
This method was actually the approach used from the time of Hippocrates to the 20th century, when care became medically focused on treating each entity separately via symptoms. It was rediscovered in the 1970s in the movement for alternative forms of care and is now widely practiced, such as counseling in Southeastern Connecticut from Wisdom Within Counseling.
For example, if issues in your marriage stem from anxiety caused by childhood trauma, Wisdom Within Counseling can help you with anxiety counseling in East Lyme, Ct. Another example of how holistic marriage counseling in Mystic, Connecticut could help you is by focusing on skills to turn you towards your partner.
This includes how to rekindle your physical, spiritual, and emotional connection by creating a “couple bubble”. You’ll also learn how to stop rehashing old, painful memories and instead find the good in your partner and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place.
Seeking professional help with a counselor who specializes in couples therapy can be invaluable. Not only can you repair your bond after an affair, but you can learn the lessons that might prevent future problems such as an increase in your car insurance rates after divorce.
Karen Condor studied communications and has successfully participated in marriage counseling and anxiety counseling. She writes and researches for the car insurance comparison site, CarInsuranceComparison.com.
