When your adolescent, teenager, or young adult interacts peers, there is a natural learning curve, experimentation with curiosities, and budding relationships as well as break ups. Typically, adolescents and teenagers grapple with a variety issues including anger, frustration, self-harm/cutting, anxiety with school, eating disorders, violence, social media, bullying, general behavior problems, school refusal, family avoidance, and even drug and alcohol use. It is important that self-harming teens and their families are taught positive coping skills to help heal.
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Self-harming Teen’s Reach For Independence
When teenagers reach for new relationships, they are also redefining their own identity. Previously, your child was shy and nurturing, where as now, as a teenager, they are rebellious, depressed, moody, and may even slam a door to express their frustration with feeling powerless in their changing body. Behaviors with self-harming teens are often unpredictable.
A Sign: A Definite Change of Appearance
Additionally, adolescents and teenagers often want to dress like the most popular or the opposite, dress independently. You may be concerned that your teenager wants a metal studded belt, begins wearing black eyeliner and even neon blue eyeshadow, and dyes their hair purple. Things such as hair color or a hair cut may be battles not worth enforcing. If your teen wants to change their hair color, talk about it, and let it happen. However, if your teen wants a tattoo, this is a huge decision, and needs deep thought. Also, if your teen is self-harming, cutting, and burning, these are very important signs that your teen is crying for help and in a lot of emotional pain. It is a must to seek counseling.
Tips For Parents to Help Self-harming Teens Thrive Again
Ask Directly
Ask your teen, “Are you thinking of suicide? Have you been self-harming?” Remember, talking directly and openly about suicide does not increase suicide risk. Even if they say, “I’m good.” Provide constant supervision. Do not leave your teen alone or drive a car alone. Continue to take threats/thoughts seriously. Follow through is important even after the child calms down and says, “I didn’t mean it.” A threat is a cry for help: “I am not coping and I need your help.”
Read Nonverbal Cues
It can “talk” much louder than words. Your teen is really saying, “I need your love and attention because I’m in tremendous pain emotionally, and I can’t seem to stop it on my own. I need you to take care of me again.” Just because your teen may be distant/angry, they may also be feeling worried, grieving loss, shame, have experienced trauma, or another significant event they have been holding inside.
Create Rituals
Before school or in the morning, make a nutritious breakfast for you both. Sit together for 30 minutes. Even if they don’t want to talk, holding the space as you eat together is a form of support and bonding. In time, this may be when your teen will look forward to talking with you. A positive relationship will open up communication between you and your teen. Likewise, create a routine for exercise, meals, and bedtimes.
Be Empathetic
A great way to approach a frustrated teenager is to let them know you also share many of their feelings. When appropriate, to build trust, empathy, and authority in a fun way, share a short story from your life when you were their age. Avoid “fixing.” Being a teen can be tough. Reassure them that there is help and they will not feel like this forever. This shows your young adult that you believe in them and were once a teenager too.
Stay Positive and Healthy
As a parent, it is important to schedule non-negotiable self-care such as a yoga class, morning run, a workout, book club, seeing your own therapist, or even a relaxing bath. Look at your week or your day and plan, so you don’t become exhausted and burnt out. Communicate with your partner or a friend to coordinate care for your other children, so you can can dedicate self-care time and return refreshed to parenting your teen.
Handwritten Notes
Write your young adult a note of compliments. Words of affirmations can be powerful. When you give your teen your note, go over all the things that are positive, valuable, and unique about your teen with him or her. Make it a habit to put a note in their lunch or gym bag. Even if you think they might be, “too old,” remember that they need your extra support, positive compliments, and encouragement during this time.
Safety Checks
Even if it seems intrusive, daily bedroom and full house safety checks are a must. Immediately and entirely remove the following dangerous items from your whole house: Razor blades, extra light bulbs, lighters, sharp objects, belts, extra shoelaces, medicine bottles, other family member’s medication, extra pills of any kind, even over-the-counter medicine, alcohol bottles (in the fridge and storage), household cleaners and chemicals, locking kitchen knives (checking for any missing knives daily). As your cell phone company for a copy of text messages your teen has sent and received. For self-harming teens on medication, provide them with the pill, and do a mouth check to make sure they have swallowed it. Use a lock box to hold the rest of the bottle until the next dose.
Regular Therapy
Intensive, regular therapy sessions are very important to teach new coping skills and provide a safe place when self-harming teens can express their emotions. Teach your teen that therapy is not a punishment or something to be ashamed of, and discourage others from teasing your teen about going to therapy. Remind your teen, celebrities and movie stars have therapists too, so they can be the best they can be. In addition to regular mental health counseling, help your teen gain support from other professionals via weekly appointments: massage therapy, acupuncture, nutritionist, naturopath, art therapy, animal therapy, teen groups, personal fitness trainer, book clubs, ect.
Create a Plan
Together with your teen, make a list of trusted family members or friends with phone numbers to call in a crisis. Connect these family members to let them know they are on this list and may receive a call. Encourage your teen to save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in their cell phone and call anytime.
Katie Ziskind, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, RTY500 offers therapy in Niantic, CT and TeleTherapy from the comfort of your location. At Wisdom Within Counseling, Katie helps frustrated teens stop self-harming, build confidence, and feel worthy enough to belong by integrating art, yoga, music, and animal therapy with traditional talk therapy- so they can live a life they LOVE. Furthermore, the teen animal therapy groups teach skills such as self-regulation, trust, and social emotional learning. Call Katie for a free consultation to talk about how she can help your teen (860) 451-9364 or email KatieZiskindMft@gmail.com. Book Your Therapy Session Online WisdomWithinCt.com
