Do you get stuck in high conflict fights, where you can’t find your way out? Wishing you could de-esclate fights and talk in calm, loving ways when experiencing big, intense emotions? Finding that inner child wounds and childhood trauma is coming up in current arguments? Are you and your partner wanting a long-lasting, meaningful connection that withstands the tests of time? Looking for skills to improve your marriage from Gottman trained couples therapists? Our Gottman marriage therapists who specialize with high conflict couples in therapy give you five positive skills right in this article. Couples therapy can help you build a loving, caring, and playful marriage. You can break the cycle of high conflict fighting with our team of Gottman marriage specialists.
Learn About The Turning Towards Skill With Our Gottman Marriage Therapists Who Specialize With High Conflict Couples In Therapy
Turning towards, a concept from Dr. John Gottman’s work, involves responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection—whether they are small gestures, conversations, or moments of vulnerability. Instead of ignoring or turning away from your partner’s attempts to engage, you acknowledge and validate them. Over time, consistently turning towards each other strengthens emotional intimacy, deepens trust, and helps build a resilient relationship, even during difficult times. This simple act creates a foundation of mutual support and understanding in your marriage.
Here are some specific examples of turning towards your partner in everyday situations:
Morning Coffee Gesture:
Your partner says, “I made coffee for us.” Instead of brushing it off, you respond with a warm smile and say, “Thank you, that was really thoughtful!” This simple acknowledgment shows appreciation and connection.
Sharing About Their Day:
When your partner comes home and says, “Work was really stressful today,” you stop what you’re doing, make eye contact, and ask, “Tell me more about it—what happened?” This shows you’re interested and engaged in their emotional experience.
Physical Affection:
If your partner gives you a gentle touch on the shoulder or a quick hug, you reciprocate with a hug back or squeeze their hand. It’s a way of turning towards them physically and emotionally.
Playful Banter:
Your partner makes a light-hearted joke or teases you playfully. Instead of dismissing it or reacting negatively, you laugh and join in on the fun, reinforcing your bond with humor.
Requests for Help:
If your partner asks, “Can you help me with this?” while doing something around the house, you put down what you’re doing and say, “Sure, let’s do it together.” This small act of cooperation strengthens teamwork and connection.
Invitation to Share:
When your partner says, “Look at this beautiful sunset,” you stop for a moment, look at the sky, and say, “Wow, it’s gorgeous! I’m glad you pointed it out.” You’re sharing a moment of joy together.
These examples show how small moments of connection, when acknowledged and reciprocated, can significantly strengthen your emotional bond with your partner.
Learn About Emotional Validation Skills With Our Gottman Marriage Therapists Who Specialize With High Conflict Couples In Therapy
Emotional validation, a key skill from Gottman’s work, involves acknowledging and accepting your partner’s feelings without judgment, even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them. It means listening actively, empathizing, and showing that their emotions are important to you. By saying things like, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” Or, “That sounds really tough,” you help your partner feel heard, respected, and supported. Emotional validation fosters trust, emotional safety, and deeper connection in your relationship.
Here are some specific examples of using emotional validation skills in everyday situations:
During an Argument:
Your partner says, “I’m really frustrated that you didn’t call me back earlier.” Instead of getting defensive, you validate by saying, “I understand why you’re upset—I would feel frustrated too if I was waiting for a response.”
After a Stressful Day:
Your partner shares, “I had a terrible day at work, everything went wrong.” You respond with, “That sounds really overwhelming. I’m sorry you had such a tough day. Do you want to talk about it?”
When They’re Anxious:
Your partner says, “I’m really nervous about this upcoming presentation.” Instead of minimizing their feelings, you say, “I can see why you’re anxious—it’s a big deal. You’ve worked hard, and I’m sure you’ll do great.”
Feeling Overlooked:
If your partner says, “It feels like you don’t appreciate everything I do around the house,” you could respond with, “I didn’t realize you felt that way, but it makes sense. I see how much effort you put in, and I’ll make sure to show my appreciation more.”
Expressing Sadness:
Your partner opens up with, “I’m feeling really down lately, like I’m not good enough.” You respond by saying, “I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. That must be really hard. You’re so important to me, and I’m here for you.”
In each example, you acknowledge your partner’s emotions without dismissing or trying to fix them immediately, creating an atmosphere of emotional safety and understanding.
Learn About Sexual Intimacy Skills With Our Gottman Marriage Therapists Who Specialize With High Conflict Couples In Therapy
Prioritizing sexual intimacy, as emphasized in Gottman’s work, involves actively making time for physical and emotional connection in your relationship. It means being intentional about creating moments of closeness, such as setting aside distractions to focus on your partner’s needs and desires. This might include initiating physical affection, open communication about what feels good, or even scheduling time for intimacy. By prioritizing sexual intimacy, you nurture both emotional and physical bonds, helping to maintain a healthy, passionate, and connected relationship.
Here are some specific examples of prioritizing sexual intimacy skills in your relationship:
Setting Time for Intimacy:
You and your partner agree to schedule a date night each week where you both focus on physical and emotional connection, with no distractions. Whether it leads to sex or not, the intention is to build closeness and intimacy.
Communicating Desires:
You openly talk about what feels good and express your sexual needs. For example, you might say, “I love it when you hold me like this” or “It would mean a lot to me if we could explore this together.”
Building Anticipation:
Throughout the day, you send flirty texts or leave loving notes for your partner, creating excitement and a buildup for when you’re together later. This keeps the connection alive even when you’re apart.
Non-Sexual Physical Touch:
You initiate physical affection outside of sexual activity—such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing—so that your partner feels desired and loved without the immediate expectation of sex. This builds emotional intimacy, making sexual moments more meaningful.
Emotional Intimacy Conversations:
You set aside time to discuss how you both feel about your sexual relationship. Asking questions like, “What do you enjoy most about our intimate moments?” or “Is there anything you’d like to explore or change?” shows you care about meeting each other’s needs.
These examples highlight the importance of making sexual intimacy a priority through communication, connection, and intention, which can strengthen the overall bond between you and your partner.
Learn About The Gentle Start Up Skill With Our Gottman Marriage Therapists Who Specialize With High Conflict Couples In Therapy
The gentle start-up, a skill from Gottman’s research, involves bringing up concerns or issues in a calm and non-confrontational way, rather than starting a conversation with criticism or blame. It often begins with “I” statements that express your feelings and needs without attacking your partner. For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy; could we work together to keep things tidy?” is more effective than, “You never help around the house.” Using a gentle start-up helps prevent defensiveness and keeps discussions constructive, allowing for healthier communication and problem-solving in your relationship.
Here are specific examples of using the gentle start-up skill in everyday situations:
Feeling Unheard:
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel upset when I don’t feel heard. Can we take a moment to talk?”
Household Chores:
Instead of blaming with, “You never help around the house,” use a gentle start-up like, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with all the chores. Can we figure out a way to divide them up more evenly?”
Time Together:
Instead of complaining with, “You never spend time with me anymore,” you could say, “I miss spending quality time together. Could we plan a date night this week?”
Handling Finances:
Rather than accusing, “You’re always spending too much money,” try a softer approach: “I feel stressed about our finances. Can we talk about our budget and how to handle things moving forward?”
Parenting Disagreements:
Instead of saying, “You’re too harsh with the kids,” you could say, “I feel concerned when we handle discipline differently. Can we talk about a consistent approach for both of us?”
By starting conversations with “I” statements and focusing on your feelings and needs, you invite your partner into a solution-oriented discussion, reducing defensiveness and fostering connection.
Learn About The Dream Within Conflict Skill With Our Gottman Marriage Therapists Who Specialize With High Conflict Couples In Therapy
The “Dream Within Conflict” skill from Gottman’s work encourages couples to explore the deeper meaning behind their disagreements. Instead of getting stuck in surface-level arguments, you each share the dreams, values, or unmet needs driving your perspective on the issue. For example, a conflict about spending money might stem from one partner’s desire for security and the other’s value of freedom. By uncovering these underlying dreams, you become a team. And, you can better understand each other’s emotional needs. From Gottman marriage therapy, you can find compromises that honor both perspectives. Doing so turns conflict into connection and mutual respect.
Here are specific examples of using the “Dream Within Conflict” skill:
Conflict Over Money:
One partner wants to save, while the other prefers spending on experiences. Instead of arguing, you both explore your underlying dreams. The saver reveals that financial security represents safety due to growing up in a financially unstable household, while the spender shares that experiences bring joy and connection, reflecting a childhood desire for fun and adventure. Understanding these deeper motivations allows you to create a balanced financial plan that honors both dreams.
Conflict Over Parenting:
One partner is strict, while the other is more lenient. During a “Dream Within Conflict” conversation, the strict partner explains that discipline is important to them because they believe it will help their child succeed, rooted in their own experience of needing structure as a child. The lenient partner, on the other hand, values creating a relaxed and nurturing environment. They grew up in a rigid household. By recognizing these underlying desires, you can work together to blend structure with warmth in your parenting approach.
Conflict Over Time Together:
One partner feels neglected and wants more quality time, while the other values personal space. By diving into the dream within the conflict, the partner seeking more time together explains that connection is important. This is because of a past experience of emotional neglect. The other partner reveals that alone time is crucial for recharging. They grew up in a household with little personal space. With this understanding, you both work to balance quality time with personal boundaries.
In each of these examples, understanding the dreams and values behind the conflict leads to greater empathy. And, you team up to create more meaningful solutions, helping to transform disagreements into opportunities for growth and connection.
What are some traits of high conflict couples?
High conflict couples often exhibit a pattern of intense emotional exchanges that can lead to a cycle of escalating arguments and hurtful behaviors. These couples may struggle with traits such as poor communication, where each partner feels unheard and misunderstood.
The highs in these relationships can include moments of passion and connection, but they are frequently overshadowed by the lows of conflict, which can manifest in raised voices, accusations, and deep-seated frustrations.
During heated arguments, hurtful things are often said, creating wounds that linger long after the fight has ended. Phrases like “You never listen to me” or “I can’t believe I married you” can lead to feelings of rejection and emotional distress, leaving both partners feeling isolated and unloved.
In high conflict arguments, couples may resort to cruel and hurtful phrases that can leave lasting emotional scars.
These phrases often stem from deep-seated frustrations, unresolved issues, and the inability to communicate effectively under stress.
Here are some examples of such hurtful phrases:
“You always mess everything up.”
This statement not only criticizes a partner’s actions but also attacks their character, implying a lack of competence or worthiness. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy and shame.
“I wish I had never married you.”
This phrase can be particularly devastating, as it expresses regret and can make a partner feel like they are a mistake or a burden. It can sever emotional ties and deepen feelings of rejection.
“You’re just like your mother/father.”
Using a partner’s family against them can be extremely hurtful. It suggests that the partner has inherited undesirable traits and can create a sense of hopelessness regarding their ability to change.
“I don’t love you anymore.”
This is a significant blow that can leave a partner feeling abandoned and unloved. Such a statement can trigger fears of loneliness and loss, making it difficult for the couple to reconcile.
“You’re so dramatic; you’re just looking for attention.”
This phrase invalidates a partner’s feelings and experiences, suggesting that their emotions are not worthy of consideration. It can lead to further emotional distancing and resentment.
“If you really cared, you would…”
This statement places unrealistic expectations on a partner, implying that their love is conditional based on specific actions. It can create a sense of inadequacy and foster resentment.
“You never listen to me.”
While this may hold some truth, it often comes across as an attack, which can lead to defensiveness and escalate the argument. It can also imply that the partner’s feelings and opinions are insignificant.
“You’re too sensitive.”
This phrase dismisses a partner’s emotional responses, suggesting that their feelings are invalid or excessive. It can create feelings of isolation and encourage a partner to hide their true emotions.
These hurtful phrases, often uttered in the heat of the moment, can create a cycle of pain and conflict that is difficult to break. They not only damage the immediate interaction but can also lead to long-term resentment, disconnection, and emotional wounds that impact the relationship’s overall health. Addressing these patterns through therapy can help couples learn healthier communication strategies, fostering a more supportive and loving environment.
Underlying these conflicts are often unresolved inner child wounds, where past experiences of neglect, abandonment, or emotional trauma resurface during disputes.
For instance, one partner may react strongly to criticism due to a childhood experience of being dismissed or ignored, while the other may feel overwhelmed by their partner’s emotional volatility, triggering their own fears of abandonment. These wounds can create a cycle where each partner’s unmet needs fuel conflict, making it difficult to achieve resolution and healing.
Unmet love needs from childhood often play a significant role in shaping our emotional responses and relationship dynamics as adults.
When children grow up without the love, attention, and validation they need, they can carry these emotional gaps into their adult relationships. High conflict fights between partners can frequently trace back to these unresolved issues, manifesting as intense reactions to perceived slights or failures.
For example, a child who was often told to “stop crying” or “everything will be okay” may learn to suppress their emotions instead of expressing them authentically.
This repression can lead to a buildup of frustration, resentment, and hurt, which may later surface during conflicts in adulthood. When such a partner encounters a disagreement, they might react with an overwhelming sense of abandonment or emotional distress, causing them to lash out defensively. This can create a cycle where both partners feel increasingly disconnected, as unresolved childhood frustrations resurface during arguments.
It’s important to recognize that recalling these childhood experiences does not mean blaming or criticizing our parents or caregivers. Many parents may have acted out of love, yet their responses can still leave wounds.
For instance, a seemingly benign message such as “You need to toughen up” may unintentionally teach a child that vulnerability is a weakness. As adults, when these individuals find themselves in a relationship where they feel vulnerable or misunderstood, they may react with anger or withdrawal, leading to high conflict.
The purpose of Gottman couples therapy at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching is to help couples understand how their past experiences relate to their present functioning.
Through this process, partners can gain insight into how their childhood wounds influence their emotional responses and interactions with one another.
By identifying these patterns, couples can begin to address the root causes of their conflicts, fostering a deeper understanding and empathy for each other’s feelings.
This therapeutic journey not only aids in healing past wounds but also equips couples with the tools to communicate more effectively, ultimately building a stronger, more connected relationship. In this supportive environment, partners can learn to express their needs openly and honestly, paving the way for emotional intimacy and healthier conflict resolution.
Gottman marriage therapy at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching offers a path toward understanding and healing these patterns.
The therapy focuses on enhancing emotional awareness and communication skills, helping couples identify the root causes of their conflicts.
By learning techniques such as the “Gentle Start-Up” and “Dream Within Conflict,” couples can express their feelings without blame, fostering a safe space for open dialogue. Additionally, therapists can guide partners in exploring their inner child wounds, enabling them to understand how past experiences shape their reactions in the present. Through this process, couples can cultivate empathy, rebuild trust, and develop healthier communication habits, ultimately leading to a stronger, more resilient marriage.
How can working with the Gottman marriage therapists at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching support you in developing these skills for a stronger marriage after high conflict fights?
Working with the Gottman marriage therapists at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching can profoundly support you in developing essential skills for a stronger marriage, especially after experiencing high conflict fights.
Through structured sessions, you will learn to communicate more effectively using techniques like the gentle start-up. This skills helps you express your feelings without blame, creating a safer environment for open dialogue.
The therapists at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching will guide you in exploring the “Dream Within Conflict” approach.
To note, this skill allows you to uncover the deeper needs and desires driving your disagreements. This understanding fosters empathy and connection between you and your partner, turning conflicts into opportunities for growth rather than sources of frustration.
Additionally, you will gain tools to practice emotional validation, helping you to acknowledge each other’s feelings and perspectives, which is vital for rebuilding trust and intimacy. By developing these skills in a supportive environment, you can strengthen your emotional bond, enhance sexual intimacy, and create a more fulfilling partnership that can withstand challenges.
Together, you’ll work towards a healthier, happier marriage where both partners feel heard, valued, and connected.
The team at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching specialize in Gottman therapy for high conflict couples in Connecticut, Florida and New Jersey.
We offer high conflict couples therapy in Hartford, New Haven, Stamford, Bridgeport, Waterbury, Norwalk, Danbury, New Britain, Bristol, Meriden, West Hartford, Milford, Middletown, Shelton, Mystic, Clinton, Madison, Guilford, Groton, Glastonbury, Fairfield, East Granby, Old Lyme, Manchester, East Hartford, Stratford, Fairfield, and New London, Connecticut. In New Jersey, our Gottman marriage therapists specialize with high conflict couples in Alpine, Short Hills, Mountain Lakes, Saddle River, Tenafly, Demarest, Glen Ridge, Rumson, Princeton, Westfield, Essex Fells, Chatham, New Vernon, Bedminster, Moorestown, Ridgewood, Mendham, Haddonfield, North Caldwell, and Montclair. Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching specializes with high conflict couples in Palm Beach, Naples, Sarasota, Boca Raton, Melbourne, Vero Beach, Rockledge, Key Biscayne, Fort Lauderdale, Weston, Orlando, Parkland, Aventura, Windermere, Tampa, St. Augustine, Jupiter, Vero Beach, Delray Beach, Coral Gables, Ponte Vedra Beach, and Belleair Shore, Florida.
