What is a trauma bond?
First, this type of bond is one that forms as a result of harmful, intense, and emotional life circumstances. It often occurs between someone who has suffered abuse and an abuser, similar to Stockholm syndrome. Working with a trauma bonding therapist helps couples communicate past trauma better. On that note, if you are in a trauma bond, you may feel anxiety all the time. One moment, you are walking on eggshells and fearful. Then, the next moment, there is a moment of security and calm. Overall, a trauma bond in a couples relationship leaves both people drained. This trauma relationship leaves the abused individual emotionally and sometimes physically indebted to the abuser.
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In a trauma bond, a sense of loyalty is bestowed, even to the individual’s detriment. A specific set of circumstances, usually those of negative trauma or emotional neglect, can tie a victim to another person. Often, this tie is in an unhealthy and harmful way. Also, trauma bonding is common in adults who were abused as a child.
If you come from an abusive family, and your caregiver was also your abuser, you may feel like, in order to be loved, you also have to be abused. You are worthy of love and acceptance.
However, when you experience childhood trauma, you often deeply desire to be loved by your abuser. But, they never give love. Instead, the love is fake, or inconsistent. Maybe, your parent had a drug or alcohol problem. In romantic relationships, trauma bonding happens because your brain associates love with abuse, which can set a skewed perimeter for romantic relationships.
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Why is it so hard for victims of trauma bonding to leave or get out?
Often times, the trauma bonding relationship is justified by the abused because the feeling of abuse fulfills a normalcy within themselves. Sometimes, a limiting belief, “I am not worthy of being loved,” keeps a person stuck. Or, they see that they are meeting some sort of need for their abuser. Also, abusers seek caregivers, so you may feel like you have to take care of your abuser. Or, you may feel that your abuser needs you in their life to function. Now, this mindset can make a victim feel useful. And, this perpetuates a false sense of love and belonging.
Especially if you were abused as a child, you may be more willing to accept the abuse over the fear of being alone or abandoned.
What are the signs of traumatic bonding?
- For one, you feel like you cannot escape your partner.
- Secondly, you feel like your needs are not being met in the relationship, but you’re afraid to speak up and ask for anything for yourself.
- You “walk on eggshells” around your partner, afraid of saying or doing anything that might illicit a negative reaction from them.
- Your friends and family have expressed concerns about your relationship.
- You can’t bring yourself to speak negatively about your partner to anyone, for fear of betraying them.
Why do people stay in trauma bonds?
Most often, abusers will offer enough positive reinforcement to give their victim hope that things will change. Sadly, this positivity is inconsistent, surface level, and insincere. And, most abusers are manipulative and coercive. These types of relationships can be very addictive, and a victim may feel like they want to stay even if they’ve identified how harmful it can be. Therefore, periods of peace and calm in between the storms create a false sense of safety. At times, victims of abuse may find themselves in the same negative relationships with false reality. Overall, this false reality in trauma bonding relationships can seem utopian like to the abused. Therefore, it feels much like a high, or drug, making it even harder to leave the trauma bonding relationship.
How to get out of a trauma bond?
- Commit to living in reality. Try not to fantasize about what “could be” in your relationship. Even if you choose to stay in the relationship for the time being, be honest with yourself about what is really happening. Don’t sugar coat things, or falsify the facts.
- Own that reality. Be honest with yourself and others about how you feel. Say it out loud. If you feel trapped, say it out loud. Even if it’s just to yourself. Try to say it to someone you trust. If you feel scared, make a list of reasons why.
- Don’t try to rush to change. Make healthy decisions one at a time, and live with that change before moving on to the next one. Try not to live in absolutes. It will be incredibly daunting to make permanent change if you start with things like “I can never see my abuser again.” That will only incite panic and a sense of failure. Start instead with “I need to allow healthier people back into my life.” Work on prioritizing those healthy relationships over the unhealthy one.
- Recognize and admit the way you’re feeling. The fact is, you WILL miss your abuser. Ending a relationship, even an unhealthy one, is a grieving process. Allow yourself to feel the way you feel, and put a name to it. Instead of reaching out to them when you miss them, reach out to a friend or family member. As previously mentioned, many trauma bonds have an addiction like quality to them. You may find that having a specific person for accountability, almost like a sponsor, will help.
- Find a therapist. Once you start recognizing and admitting your feelings, you’ll need help processing them. While a friend or family member may make a good sponsor or accountability partner, you will need someone trained to help you navigate your emotions. Without proper, healthy processing, the person leaving a toxic relationship is likely to find themselves in another one.
Thinking of someone you love? Help them work with a specialized trauma bonding therapist
Perhaps, you’re reading this and while it doesn’t apply to you. But, it sounds like someone you know or love. Now, nothing feels more helpless than suspecting or even knowing that someone you care about is in a toxic relationship. You can offer support. Here are some steps you can take.
Talk to them. Don’t confront or accuse. Approach the conversation from a place of compassion and concern. Talk about how you feel about what you’re seeing them go through, and then stay quiet long enough to listen. There may be long and even uncomfortable silences, but that’s okay. Don’t feel like you need to fill the silence. Just wait patiently. They may not choose to open up, but it’s better to leave room for them than to talk over them and control the narrative. Remember. This is their relationship, not yours, and it won’t help to come across as judgmental.
High conflict couples therapy can teach skills for better communication when there is a history of verbal and emotional abuse. Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching helps couples build trust, connection, and communicate in healthy ways after betrayal, hurt, and trauma.
How else can you be a supportive friend to a victim of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse?
Don’t use the word abuse. Your loved one may not realize that they’re being abused. Instead, bring up things you’ve seen their partner do or words you’ve heard their partner say that you felt were unhealthy and harmful, and ask about those specific situations. Do not bring up incidents that you haven’t seen or heard first hand. This can cause the abused to feel as though they’re being spoken about behind their back, and it will alienate them from the people that care about them.
Do not issue ultimatums. The worst thing you can do in these situations is create an “us against them” mentality for the abused and their abuser. The abuser is likely already planting doubt in the victim’s head to make them believe that no one else will stand by them, increasing their fear of abandonment.
Do not place blame. Regardless of your personal feelings about their relationship, it is never the victim’s fault. Even if you think it should be easy for them to leave, it is not.
Give them time. A victim of abuse has to come to the decision on their own to leave the harmful situation. Offer solutions, such as a place to stay, the number of an abuse hotline or a referral to a local therapist. Don’t push. When the time comes that they decide to leave, they will know that you’re willing to help.
Lastly, if you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, you can get help by calling 1-800-799-SAFE.
How can Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching Help Your Marriage Thrive?
In general, the team at Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching in East Lyme, Connecticut offer in person and distance counseling. The team helps high conflict couples in therapy develop closeness and improve intimacy. If you have a history of anger, frustration, and verbal and emotional abuse, let us help. Wisdom Within Counseling and Coaching helps couples build meaningful connection, share trust, and emotional connection and heal after betrayal, hurt, and trauma.
