The first relationship we observe is one of our caretakers. We instinctively observe this relationship and draw from it ways of being and interacting with others throughout our lives. Our parents teach us not only how to love others, but how to love ourselves as well. As a child, the relationship our parents have with each other can serve as either a catalyst for healthy growth and emotional maturation, or it can impede on our interpersonal development. Children of divorce are especially prone to the onset of personal and relational difficulties. Although separated caretakers strive to raise their children and co-parent in an effective way, it is important to recognize the hardships divorce can impose on young children.
Stressors Associated with Divorce
Given that divorce is immensely stressful, it generates significant shifts to occur in the life of a child. This may include one parent leaving the household, moving homes, beginning at a new school, loss of living with biological siblings, or the addition of new step-parents or step-siblings. These changes can pose stressors for a child as they learn how to effectively cope with their new lifestyle. Oftentimes, children do not know how to express this stress they are experiencing. A child of divorce may indirectly reveal that they are anxious through aggressive or withdrawn behaviors, somatic symptoms such as stomach aches, or crying spells. As a caretaker or adult in the child’s life, it is critical to remain aware of these tendencies and to direct special attention to a child exhibiting such behaviors.
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Emotions that Accompany Divorce on Children
Understandably, children of divorce feel an influx of emotions. These emotions are evident in their interactions with caretakers, siblings, teachers, or peers in the classroom. A child’s inner experience of emotions is also visible through a child’s imaginative play and creation of art.
Anger
Anger is a natural emotion that results from divorce. A child may harness anger toward one parent and as a result, begin to pick sides. Children of divorce also may project anger onto those in their immediate environment. For example, a child whose mother left the home may be angry at their female teacher.
Grief
Grief is another common emotion that results from divorce. For a child, the loss of their parent’s marriage can result in a period of mourning. It is normal during this period for a child to display bouts of sadness and a longing for what used to be.
Confusion
Upon learning of divorce, a child may feel confused as to what happened between their parents and why. Oftentimes, children do not hear the full story, which leads them to believe a narrative they create themselves.
Self-blame
It is increasingly difficult for a child not to internalize their parents’ divorce. If mom or dad leaves the home, a child may blame themselves and feel as if it was something they did that caused the absence of this parent. In turn, this child may feel guilty about their past inappropriate behaviors and start to question a lot of their actions.
Bouts of Depression
Periods of depression are also normal in children whose parents are divorcing. Crying spells often occur young children. As a parent or adult in this child’s life, it is vital to recognize symptoms of depression in children and to provide them with the support they need.
Behavioral Changes in Children of Divorce
Oftentimes, children who are going through significant life changes that accompany divorce have difficulty expressing their emotions. In attempts to express how they are feeling inside, children may display outward maladaptive behaviors and harmful physical symptoms.
Acting Out
For instance, children may exhibit acting out behaviors. This includes throwing tantrums, fighting, being disruptive, stealing, or acting in a self-destructive manner. Acting out typically occurs as a means of receiving attention from an adult, even if the attention is negative and results in reprimanding.
Anxious Tendencies
Additionally, children may experience an increase in anxiety. Anxious tendencies in children can look like excessive fidgeting, skin picking or pinching, restlessness, and tensing of the muscles.
Poor Academic Performance
Divorce can also impact a child’s academic performance and behavioral outcomes in school. You may find that your child struggles to concentrate on their work or disrupts the class. Maybe their grades are suffering as a result. Making your child’s teacher aware of what is going on at home can be of benefit.
Isolation
Another behavior exhibited by children is the tendency to isolate themselves. Social withdrawal is common in children of divorce. This can be evident in the classroom as children shy away from the group and prefer to be alone. Social withdrawal also occurs at home, where a child may spend the majority of their time alone in their bedroom.
Regression
Regression transpires in children of divorce as well. A regressed child reverts back to younger ways of behaving. For example, a child who is eight years old may start talking as if they are still a baby. Or a child who knows how to dress themselves may unlearn this act. Bathroom accidents may occur as well.
Changes in Eating and Sleeping Patterns
A last behavior evident in children is a change in eating and sleeping patterns. This includes over or under eating, as well as being picky about certain foods. Your child may struggle to fall or stay asleep at night. Perhaps your child is experiencing nightmares. Or maybe you notice that your child is sleeping more than usual following a divorce in the family. These are common occurrences in children as they begin to adapt with changes in their normal routines.
How Individual and Family Counseling Can Help Children of Divorce
Fortunately, children are highly resilient beings. When faced with adversity, children are able to learn and implement effective ways of coping. Starting children in individual or family therapy is a great place to begin with providing them support. At Wisdom Within Counseling, our therapists specialize in helping young children navigate the stressors and overwhelming emotions that accompany divorce. Here, children have access to play therapies, yoga and music therapies, playful outdoor sessions, and art as outlets to channel their frustrations. We focus on creating a safe and nurturing environment for children to learn about themselves, develop coping skills, and grow in a healthy way. Get started with us today!
Wisdom Within Counseling is passionate about helping children of divorce develop emotional regulation strategies, cope with loss, and manage any harnessed resentment. We can provide the tools your child needs to succeed.
To begin receiving support around divorce, click the button below to find the perfect fit therapist for your child.
The author of this article is Irinel Fishlock, a mental health counseling graduate student and Intake Coordinator at Wisdom Within Counseling.
