Coming out of a relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally taxing. Like any breakup, maybe you find that you’re feeling a lack of self worth. Or, you may experience a significant loss of your overall sense of self. Healing from narcissist abuse, however, poses different challenges that a regular breakup may not.
What is Narcissist Abuse and Narcissist Personality Disorder?
Narcissist Personality Disorder is marked by a deep need for admiration, inflated self-importance, a lack of empathy, and troubled relationships.
An individual with narcissist personality disorder might inflict forms of emotional abuse such as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that causes a person to question their own sanity.
Other common patterns a narcissist might display include:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- Fantasizes about unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes he or she is special and unique
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement
- Has unreasonable expectations
- Lacks empathy
- Takes advantage of or exploits others
- Is envious of others or believes others are envious of him
- Shows arrogant behaviors or attitudes
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Narcissist Abuse Cycle
Irinel Fishlock, therapist at Wisdom Within Counseling, asserts that, “being in a relationship with a narcissist may feel like an emotional rollercoaster. This is because narcissists often engage in an abuse cycle that is categorized by patterns of highs and lows.”
There are 3 main phases of a narcissist abuse cycle.
1. Idealization
This stage is referred to as the “honeymoon phase” because it is the beginning of the relationship. Everything feels perfect, exciting, and new. There is an influx of joy, happiness, feelings of admiration and love that accompanies this initial stage.
Does your partner view you as being perfect or hold you to extremely high and almost unrealistic expectations? This is common. During idealization, the narcissist will place their partner on a pedestal and believe that they can do no wrong.
Love-bombing is also common in the idealization phase. Love-bombing occurs when your partner continuously “bombs” you with compliments, flattery, and affection. This can be through the form of gifts, long messages, and extensive declarations of love. Although this may seem flattering, love-bombing is a tactic used to keep a romantic partner from leaving.
Lack of boundaries is another sign seen within the idealization phase. Your partner may not respect boundaries that you try to put in place. For example, you may feel uncomfortable having your partner spend the night or shower at your place, but they are insistent about doing so and guilt trip you into allowing it.
Rushing into intimacy and talking about marriage is also common. A narcissist may expect you to quickly commit to them. They may pressure you to quickly move in together, or talk about engagement rings.
2. Devaluation
Once the idealization or honeymoon phase comes to a close, a narcissist will begin to devalue their partner. This occurs when the narcissist views their partner as unworthy and strives to make that known. The victim is no longer idealized, praised, or placed on a pedestal.
A narcissist will verbally, emotionally, or physically begin to abuse the victim. Do you notice that when you confront your partner about this, they begin to play the victim themselves? This is common as well.
Another attempt at devaluation is an increase in insults, derogatory language, harmful jokes, and also criticism
Gaslighting also happens during the devaluation stage. You may notice your partner intentionally twisting the truth of things that were or were not said. This is their way of manipulating you into thinking, feeling, and behaving the way they want you to. By getting you to doubt yourself, you become more easy to control.
You may also notice your partner begins to isolate you from friends and family. They may make judgmental comments about your loved ones in an attempt to keep you away from them. They also may deem your family as unsafe or paint them in a negative light, that way they can “protect” you from them. By isolating you, your partner is able to gain more control over you. This is an extremely dangerous warning sign.
Withholding is another sign of narcissist abuse. A narcissist will withhold physical, emotional, and even sexual intimacy as a means of punishment. Your partner may be extremely cold or hostile. It is all an act to make you feel guilty, and eventually beg for their attention.
3. Rejection
During this phase of a narcissist’s abuse cycle, you may be completely rejected by your partner. If an argument arises or the relationship begins to shake, a narcissist may place all blame on you. Instead of communicating and resolving conflict in a healthy manner, a narcissist will discard their partner and conclude the cycle of abuse. The relationship may end permanently, or temporarily. If it is temporary, the abuse cycle may commence all over again. A narcissist will begin to love bomb agin and shower you with attention you just to keep you around.
How to Get Over a Narcissist
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist is easier said than done. There are many reasons you may want to stay. You may love your partner, believe that they will change or things will get better, or you may be scared to leave. However, it is crucial that you remain strong in your decision.
During the leaving phase, keep your boundaries firm and do not let them break these boundaries. Irinel Fishlock, therapist at Wisdom Within Counseling, adds that, “setting firm boundaries demonstrates that you have reestablished control of yourself and your life, and that will no longer tolerate a narcissist’s behavior.”
Healing from narcissist abuse feels like another emotional roller coaster. It will be normal to miss this person as they were once a significant part of your life. It is also normal to experience feelings of anger, depression, anxiety, fear, guilt, and also PTSD and trauma.
Fortunately, it is possible to recover from an abusive relationship with a narcissist. It takes time to regain your emotional health and fully feel like yourself again, so allow yourself grace and patience.
Seeking the support of a professional therapist can aid the healing process. At Wisdom Within Counseling, our therapists are trained to support individuals who suffer from trauma bonds. We support those currently in and coming out of relationships with narcissists. Talking with a therapist can help you to process and understand the abuse from the relationship, as well as better understand the nature of narcissist personality disorder. A therapist can also provide you with positive coping tools to foster confidence during your healing journey.
Wisdom Within Counseling can help you heal from narcissist abuse.
At Wisdom Within Counseling, we offer individual as well as couples sessions. We offer in-person sessions at our office location in Niantic, Connecticut. We also offer out of state Telehealth sessions over phone or video.
Support is available. You do not have to remain stuck in a narcissist’s cycle of abuse any longer. We would love to help support you as you heal from a trauma bond or recover from an abusive relationship with a narcissist.
