We go into new relationships with hopes of it being better than the relationship before. But, what most people do not realize is that we mold our romantic behavior off experiences from old relationships. Being in a new relationship does not mean that it will automatically be a better one. You have to take responsibility for growing and learning healthier habits yourself. Working with a trauma bond therapist in Southeastern Connecticut at Wisdom Within Counseling can help.
Sometimes without even realizing it, we carry over disastrous habits like poor communication into our new relationships.
Miscommunication stems from poor communication skills. Then, poor communication creates an environment where gaslighting and manipulation can prosper. Unfortunately, couples may yell, gaslight, manipulate, hurt, and anger one another. Through working with a trauma bond therapist in Southeastern Connecticut, conflict and gaslighting can remediated with some hard work.
Types of Conflict in a Relationship
It is normal for conflicts to arise in a relationship, and they generally stem from a variety of reasons. Perhaps, the most common cause of conflict is a lack of effective communication. To note, when couples use poor communication over and over, a trauma bond forms.
Can you learn healthy communication skills from working with a trauma bond therapist in Southeastern Connecticut?
Sometimes, couples try to communicate, but they do not communicate using the correct tools. Criticism is hurtful and damaging. But, couples don’t realize criticisms or put downs are going on. As well, yelling, speaking in code, and arguing are some things that make communication ineffective. Often, this issue can be resolved by going to couples therapy. More so, meeting with a trauma bond therapist in Southeastern Connecticut at Wisdom Within Counseling teaches healthy communication.
A lack of good communication often leads to other misunderstandings involving finances, children, and sex. To add, finances and money is an intense topic. Many times, emotions around money can cause high conflict arguments. Further, intimacy and sex can be points of disagreement. When couples hive high and low sex drives, frustrations occur. When couples want different things sexually, arguments can take place. Criticisms about sexual activity and intimacy lead to tensions between partners. As well, child care, parenting, and children require attention and can be stressful. Household responsibilities can create resentment if one person is doing more and not feeling appreciation.
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What is healthy conflict when meeting with a trauma bond therapist in Southeastern Connecticut?
Couples often respond to the presence of conflict poorly because they take things personally. Maybe, something said hurts an insecure area. Sometimes, conflict is healthy. It only becomes unhealthy when the two do not know how to communicate well. To note, talking about tense subjects can lead couples to struggle with conflict resolution. As well, misunderstandings of emotions cause high conflict fights. A trauma bond counselor can help you learn healthier ways to relating. Working with a trauma bond therapist in Southeastern Connecticut can help couples from having disagreements and create a positive headspace.
How to build the best relationship possible?
Couples can get help keeping conflict healthy in their relationship by going to couples coaching or couples therapy. Couples coaching helps make relationships healthier and nurtures the emotional connection. It can also teach couples how to have better positive communication.
Couples therapy does the same thing but is more of an intense journey. Often therapy includes childhood trauma and old relationship trauma being addressed in order to unlearn unhealthy communication skills.
Both forms of outside help are effective, but what each couple needs will differ. Everyone’s personal history is different, so choosing couples counseling or relationship coaching is based on the personal need of each relationship.
When is conflict unhealthy in a relationship?
Most couples may not be able to identify what habits make their conflict unhealthy until they go to high conflict couples therapy. Here are some instances that can help you identify conflicts come from an unhealthy place:
- Avoiding conversation and denying the presence of disagreements or conflict
- Agreeing with the partner, or giving up, to avoid conflict and serious conversations
- Getting angry and blaming the other person instead of being accountable for one’s feelings
- Making the opposite partner believe you are compromising but in reality, being subtly manipulative to get your way
- Being competitive with the other and trying to win by using power and manipulation to control things within the relationship
When you know what to look for within a relationship, you can easily identify habits that are not productive or beneficial to healthy conflict.
Once you identify ways you practice unhealthy habits, you can try learning healthy habits such as regular exercise and better conflict resolution.
Here are some conflict resolutions ways that can be beneficial to a relationship:
- One loses and one wins – This form of resolution can only work if both parties are fair and understand that ultimately, they are on the same side and both want a healthy relationship. So if a pair cannot agree on a solution, then one partner will choose the solution. The other will be able to choose the solution the next time they cannot agree on how to resolve something.
- No one loses – If the pair cannot find a solution that works for both, they find a completely different alternative to the problem. This alternative has to be good for both partners or this can play out as a meeting in the middle. Each partner gets only a portion of what they want, but both portions are equal.
- A win-win solution – This can also be an agreeing to disagree scenario. If the pair cannot see eye to eye or cannot meet in the middle, then they should leave it be. They both will just have to accept and respect what the other chooses.
Diffusing Gaslighting Between Couples
Gaslighting is a word that describes instances where someone tries to convince another they are wrong about something when they are not. It is one of the most common forms of manipulation.
Gaslighting is normally present in relationships when a person does not know how to take accountability for their actions and how those actions have affected others.
Many learn this unhealthy behavior from various reasons that stem from trauma. Couples can use trauma bonding therapy to work through gaslighting and unhealthy behaviors that grow from it.
Gaslighting is dangerous because it can weaken a person’s sense of self-belief, causing them to doubt themselves not just in that relationship but in other things outside of their relationship too. Consistently telling someone they are wrong for their feelings can make them lose confidence and grow insecure.
You can diffuse a gaslighter by taking power away from this. They can only succeed with gaslighting if they are able to stir your emotions. This means you have to remove your emotional side when dealing with conflict. You will also have to stand your ground without being too aggressive.
If you remain in control of your feelings and do not entertain your partner who tries to make you feel wrong, they will grow uncomfortable. That uncomfortably disarms them, and that is when you can point out that they are not being fair. Hopefully, once they realize they are acting in unhealthy ways, you can both communicate fairly and openly.
Here are some ways you can disarm a gaslighter by not avoiding being gaslighted:
- Have a strong and unyielding belief about yourself and what you know to be true about yourself, a situation, and your feelings.
- Follow your intuition. When something does not seem right, listen to your gut, and go back to the facts of the situation.
- Keep communication simple by avoiding elongated and emotional responses. Say what you mean and how you feel directly.
- If you do not believe or agree with what a person says, let them know in a respectful manner. Do not agree just to avoid conflict.
- Remember the actions of a gaslighter have absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their inability to live healthily.
- If you cannot get through to a gaslighter, accept that. You may not always be able to win, but if you are feeling silenced in a relationship more than you feel heard, it may be time to reconsider that relationship.
