Have you ever felt the sting of betrayal, the ache of emotional rejection, or the deep loneliness of feeling unwanted in your marriage? Maybe you’ve experienced a painful fight, an affair, a loss of trust, or emotional neglect that makes it hard to open your heart again. The fear of being hurt again, the weight of intrusive thoughts replaying past wounds, and the anxiety of trying to rebuild intimacy can feel overwhelming—but healing is possible. Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind supports you both in healing past marital pain, abandonment, and betrayal and rebuilding trust, closeness, and playfulness.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Listen To Episode 99: 5 Gottman Skills For A Better Marriage After Hurt, Let Down, Betrayal, Abandonment, Feeling Rejected, and Unwanted Emotionally and Sexually on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
Click here to listen on Spotify and click here to listen in Apple Podcasts
In this episode of All Things Love and Intimacy, Katie Ziskind, a sex-positive, LGBTQIA+ affirming relationship coach and Gottman Level Two trained marriage specialist, will walks you through five Gottman research-based skills. To add, these skills will help you and your partner repair emotional and sexual wounds, restore trust, and create a safe, secure relationship after conflict.
🔹 What You’ll Learn in This Episode of the All Things Love and Intimacy Podcast:
How rituals of connection help re-establish safety and rebuild trust after emotional disconnection.
The power of repairing intrusive thoughts with Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight tool to reduce anxiety and relationship stress.
Why playfulness and affection are essential for sexual and emotional reconnection—and how to rediscover them without pressure or fear.
The importance of clearly expressing emotional needs to prevent miscommunication, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
How creating a shared meaning system strengthens your bond, prevents future disconnection, and builds resilience in your marriage.
These skills aren’t just abstract concepts—they’re backed by 40+ years of relationship science from The Gottman Institute and have helped thousands of couples move past heartbreak and into deeper emotional and physical intimacy.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
🧠 Why This Matters:
When your marriage is shaken by betrayal, rejection, or emotional disconnection, the nervous system shifts into survival mode. Fight, flight, and freeze responses cause fear, anxiety, circular conversations, and an avoidance of closeness.
Without healing in Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind, this can lead to cycles of defensiveness, loneliness, and even further distance in your relationship.
The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck.
By applying these five Gottman skills, you can begin to lower anxiety, re-establish emotional safety, and reconnect both emotionally and sexually with your partner.
Whether you’re recovering from infidelity, feeling emotionally neglected, or struggling with sexual avoidance due to past pain, this episode will give you the practical, science-backed tools to start healing. At Wisdom Within Counseling, you can work individually or as a couple to rebuild closeness, safety, security, and connection.
💬 Feeling Stuck? Let’s Work Together in Gottman Couples Therapy with Katie Ziskind.
If you and your partner are struggling to rebuild trust, reconnect intimately, or feel safe expressing your needs, couples therapy and coaching can provide the structured support you need.
Katie Ziskind specializes in helping partners heal from betrayal, intimacy struggles, sex addiction recovery, and emotional disconnection.
📆 Book a session with me today at Wisdom Within Counseling www.WisdomWithinCt.com and take the first step toward a secure, loving, and intimate relationship.
🎧 Listen now and let’s start healing, together. Don’t forget to subscribe, share this podcast episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more couples find their way back to love. ❤️
Rebuilding a secure relationship takes time. It is possible to restore safety and trust with the proper skills through Gottman couples therapy.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Let’s Dive Deeper and Talk About Somatic Symptoms of Betrayal, Abandonment, and Rejection.
What Is The Body’s Response to Emotional and Sexual Hurt?
Emotional and sexual hurt are not just psychological experiences—they are deeply embodied. When someone feels betrayed, abandoned, rejected, or unwanted, their nervous system reacts as if they are under physical threat.
Essentially, emotional hurt, pain, abandonment, and betrayal triggers a cascade of physiological symptoms.
Neuroscience and trauma research show that emotional pain activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Eisenberger et al., 2003).
This means that the body holds onto emotional wounds. Often, hurt emotions manifest in physical symptoms. These can disrupt daily life, relationships, and overall well-being.
Do You Experience Tightness in your Chest and Difficulty Breathing During or After A Fight?
One of the most common physical symptoms of emotional pain is a constriction in the chest.
When someone feels abandoned or rejected, their nervous system often enters a state of hyperarousal, triggering shallow breathing, heart palpitations, or even a sensation of suffocation.
This is a physiological response to threat and loss, driven by an increase in cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, chronic stress from unresolved emotional wounds can contribute to conditions like panic attacks or high blood pressure.
Are You Having Stomach Discomfort, Nausea, and Digestive Issues During or After A Blow Up?
The gut-brain connection means that emotional distress is often felt in the stomach. Betrayal, heartbreak, or rejection can lead to nausea, loss of appetite, or irritable bowel symptoms (Mayer et al., 2014).
This is because the vagus nerve, which regulates digestion, is also responsible for processing emotions. When someone experiences deep relational hurt, their digestive system may slow down or overreact, resulting in chronic stomach pain, bloating, or diarrhea.
Muscle Tension, Neck and Shoulder Pain
Unprocessed emotional pain often gets stored in the body, leading to tight, tense muscles, particularly in the neck, shoulders, and jaw. This is because the body is bracing for danger, even when no physical threat is present.
Partners who feel emotionally unsafe or sexually unwanted may develop chronic tension headaches, jaw clenching, or even teeth grinding at night due to the prolonged stress response.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Chronic Fatigue and Lack of Energy
Emotional pain can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. When someone has experienced betrayal or repeated rejection, their nervous system may shift into a state of collapse or withdrawal (Porges, 2011).
This low-energy state of disconnection is linked to low dopamine and serotonin levels, making it difficult to feel motivated, engaged, or hopeful.
Many people who feel unwanted or emotionally neglected report waking up exhausted, even after a full night’s sleep.
Difficulty Sleeping: Insomnia or Oversleeping
Because betrayal and abandonment trigger the brain’s survival mechanisms, they can disrupt sleep patterns.
Some people experience insomnia, racing thoughts, and nightmares, replaying painful memories over and over again.
Others fall into hypersomnia (oversleeping) as a way to emotionally shut down and escape. These disruptions in sleep are linked to changes in melatonin and cortisol levels, further contributing to emotional distress.
Heartache and Physical Sensations of Sadness
The phrase “heartache” isn’t just metaphorical—it’s real. Research shows that social rejection activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the same brain area involved in physical pain processing (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004).
This is why people who have experienced deep emotional hurt literally feel pain in their chest, often describing it as a heavy, aching, or even stabbing sensation.
Shaking, Trembling, or Feeling Cold
When a person experiences severe betrayal, hurt, or emotional neglect, their body may enter a state of shock. It can lead to shaking, trembling, or feeling cold all over.
This reaction is tied to adrenaline and cortisol spikes, which prepare the body to fight or flee. But, when there’s no immediate resolution, the body stays in a heightened, overwhelmed state.
Over time, this can lead to emotional numbness or dissociation, where a person feels disconnected from their body altogether.
Sexual Numbness or Avoidance of Physical Touch
For those who have felt sexually rejected or unwanted, the body often develops a protective response, leading to decreased libido, sexual numbness, or even aversion to physical touch. This is because past pain has roots in physical intimacy, creating a subconscious fear response (Basson, 2019).
Many people who feel emotionally disconnected in their relationships report a loss of desire or even discomfort when attempting intimacy. This avoidance is often a sign that deeper emotional wounds need attention and healing.
Frequent Illness and a Weakened Immune System
Long-term emotional stress can suppress the immune system, making a person more vulnerable to frequent colds, infections, and inflammatory conditions (McEwen, 2007).
When the body is in a chronic stress state, it produces high levels of cortisol, which weakens the immune response.
This means that unresolved emotional pain doesn’t just affect mental health—it directly impacts physical well-being.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Dissociation and Feeling Disconnected from the Body
Perhaps one of the most profound symptoms of deep relational pain is dissociation—a feeling of being emotionally or physically “numb”.
This happens when the nervous system shuts down to protect itself from overwhelming emotions.
People who have experienced chronic emotional neglect or repeated rejection often report feeling like they are watching their life from the outside, unable to fully engage with their partner, their body, or their own emotions.
This sense of detachment can create further distance in relationships, making it harder to rebuild intimacy and trust.
Healing the Body from Emotional and Sexual Pain
The body remembers what the mind tries to forget. When emotional wounds remain unhealed, they manifest in physical symptoms that disrupt health, relationships, and overall well-being. Recognizing these somatic symptoms is the first step toward healing.
Through emotionally focused therapy, Gottman-based relationship repair, and somatic healing practices, couples can begin to reconnect with themselves and each other in a way that fosters emotional safety, trust, and intimacy.
At Wisdom Within Counseling, Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind teaches skills for better communication, sensitivity, closeness, and meaningful connection.
Healing is possible—and it starts with understanding how deeply emotional pain affects not just the heart, but the entire body.
At Wisdom Within Counseling, our therapists specialize in holistic couples therapy.
Our marriage therapists provide skills for gentle communication, emotional reassurance, and intentional repair, and a safe, marital connection.
How Can Marriage Counseling with Katie Ziskind Help You Communicate Gently, Feel Emotionally Safe, and Repair with Intention?
If you and your partner have been struggling with painful fights, emotional distance, or past betrayals, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells, unsure how to reconnect without triggering more hurt.
You want to feel safe, cherished, and truly understood. But, past wounds flood your mind and make it difficult to communicate without defensiveness or withdrawal.
This is where marriage counseling with Katie Ziskind can make all the difference.
Through gentle communication techniques, emotional reassurance strategies, and intentional repair methods, you and your partner can learn to rebuild trust and intimacy in a way that feels secure, validating, and deeply connected.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Gentle Communication: Expressing Yourself Without Fear of Conflict
When emotions are high, it’s easy for conversations to turn into arguments, shutdowns, or cycles of blame.
In Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind, you’ll learn gentle communication skills rooted in Gottman Method principles. These tools help you express your feelings in a way that brings you closer, rather than pushing each other away.
You’ll practice using soft start-ups instead of criticism, turning toward each other rather than withdrawing, and speaking from a place of vulnerability rather than defensiveness.
With Katie Ziskind’s guidance, you’ll gain confidence in expressing your needs while ensuring that your partner feels heard and valued.
Emotional Reassurance: Feeling Safe and Secure in Your Relationship
If you’ve ever felt unwanted, emotionally neglected, or unsure of where you stand in your relationship, you know how painful it can be to doubt your partner’s love and commitment.
In Gottman marriage counseling, you’ll explore emotional reassurance techniques that help you both feel secure and prioritized.
You’ll learn how to offer and ask for reassurance in a healthy way, so you never feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
Whether through daily check-ins, intentional affection, or words of affirmation, you’ll develop habits that strengthen your emotional bond and reduce anxiety about your relationship.
Intentional Repair: Healing After Hurtful Fights and Emotional Distance
Every couple fights, but how you repair after a fight determines whether your relationship grows stronger or weaker over time. Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind guides you through Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight Tool. To note, this skill helps you process what went wrong, why emotions escalated, and how to reconnect in a way that feels healing rather than dismissive.
You’ll practice acknowledging each other’s pain without defensiveness, taking responsibility where needed.
And, Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind teaches you both how to offer genuine comfort so that past hurts don’t keep resurfacing in future conflicts.
Validation: Knowing Your Feelings Matter
Feeling unheard or dismissed can be incredibly painful, especially when you’ve been carrying hurt, rejection, or betrayal.
In Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind, you’ll learn how to validate each other’s emotions in a way that makes you both feel deeply understood.
Instead of trying to “fix” or argue against feelings, you and your partner will practice acknowledging emotions with empathy.
Say things like, “That makes sense that you feel that way,” or “I can see why this was painful for you.”
This kind of validation helps create a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy, where you both feel safe sharing your most vulnerable thoughts without fear of judgment.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Feeling Cherished and Understood: Rebuilding Affection and Connection in Gottman Couples Therapy with Katie Ziskind
When emotional wounds build up, it can feel like you’re living with a stranger instead of a loving partner.
In Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind, you’ll learn ways to reignite affection, closeness, and a sense of being cherished, even after painful experiences.
Whether it’s through small daily rituals of connection, physical touch that feels safe and non-sexual, or expressing gratitude and appreciation, you’ll rediscover the warmth and love that brought you together in the first place.
Marriage Counseling with Katie Ziskind Can Help You Feel Safe in Love Again
You deserve a relationship where you feel emotionally safe, truly seen, and deeply valued. And, it is possible through Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind.
If you’ve been struggling with painful conflicts, unhealed wounds, or difficulty communicating without fear of rejection, Gottman marriage counseling with Katie Ziskind can help you and your partner develop the skills to reconnect with love and understanding.
You don’t have to keep feeling distant, hurt, or unseen. Healing is possible, and it starts with taking the first step.
If you’re ready to rebuild trust, strengthen emotional intimacy, and feel safe, cherished, and connected again, book a session with Katie Ziskind today.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
How Can Marriage Counseling Support Skills For Repairing Safety and Rebuilding Trust After a Hurtful Fight?
When a couple has experienced past hurt, rejection, or feelings of unwantedness, a cruel or emotionally charged fight can feel devastating.
Cruel words spoken in anger can leave deep emotional wounds, triggering fear, shame, and insecurity. However, the most important part of any fight is the repair process.
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that couples who repair effectively after conflict stay emotionally connected and resilient, while those who do not risk building emotional walls that lead to long-term disconnection.
Using the Gottman “Aftermath of a Fight” tool, partners can process what happened, soothe their nervous systems, and rebuild safety.
No longer do you both have to get stuck in resentment and intrusive thoughts about the argument.
Counseling For Couples Teaches Skills For Understanding the Neuroscience of Conflict and Repair
During a fight, the brain goes into survival mode. The amygdala, the brain’s fear center, detects a threat and triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.
This is why, in the heat of an argument, partners may yell, shut down, withdraw, or try to appease each other at the cost of their own needs.
At the same time, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, and problem-solving—becomes less active.
This is why mean, cruel words can be spoken impulsively, even if they don’t reflect a partner’s true feelings. But, the hurtful things last like a deep cut in your memory.
Understanding this can help couples see fights as moments of dysregulation, not proof that the relationship is broken.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Self-Soothing Before Repair
At Wisdom Within Counseling, Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind provides guidance for how to repair after a big argument. When you talk together, you have the opportunity to re-associate your partner as a safe, wise person in your life, rather than as your enemy.
Before engaging in a repair conversation, partners need to calm their nervous systems.
If repair is attempted while one or both partners are still emotionally flooded, it can lead to defensiveness or further hurt.
Deep breathing, grounding exercises, or a short walk can help. Right in Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind, you can learn mindfulness breathing and grounding skills. As well, couples in therapy learn co-regulation skills and co-regulation strategies.
Studies on polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011) show that breathing deeply and engaging in calming activities shifts the nervous system from a stress state (sympathetic activation) to a relaxed state (parasympathetic activation).
This allows both partners to approach repair from a place of safety rather than continue a cycle of reactivity.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Using the Gottman “Aftermath of a Fight” Tool
The Gottman “Aftermath of a Fight” tool provides a structured way to discuss the fight without reigniting conflict.
It involves five key steps of repair and recovery:
What Triggered the Fight?
Each partner reflects on what set off their emotional reaction. Often, fights aren’t just about the surface issue but deeper emotional wounds from the past. For example, if one partner felt ignored, it may have triggered old feelings of rejection.
Secondly, what Feelings Were Present?
Both partners name the emotions they felt, such as hurt, fear, sadness, or anger, rather than focusing on accusations.
What Was Your Reality?
Each person shares how they experienced the fight without invalidating the other’s perspective. The goal is not to prove who was “right” but to understand each other’s emotional worlds.
Taking Responsibility:
Both partners acknowledge their part in the conflict without blame. Even saying, “I see how my tone hurt you. I’m really sorry” can go a long way in repairing emotional safety.
What Can Be Done Differently Next Time?
The couple discusses how to handle similar conflicts in a healthier way, reinforcing emotional safety strategies for future disagreements.
Replacing Intrusive Thoughts With Secure Repair
After a painful fight, intrusive thoughts can replay the argument over and over, keeping the nervous system in a heightened state of stress.
Research on memory reconsolidation (Ecker et al., 2012) shows that emotional memories can be updated when a new, healing experience occurs.
This means that after an argument, partners need to create a new, safe interaction that overrides the painful memory.
To do this, couples in Gottman marriage therapy with Katie Ziskind will learn to:
- Reaffirm love with physical touch, such as a long hug, which has been shown to release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and calm anxiety.
- Use gentle, reassuring language, like “Even though we had a hard fight, I love you and I want us to be okay.”
- Create a positive ritual after repair, such as watching a comforting movie together or sharing a meal, to reinforce closeness.
Understanding Each Other’s Triggers In Gottman Couples Therapy with Katie Ziskind
The brain keeps a record of past emotional pain to avoid future hurt, which is why partners may react strongly to situations that subconsciously remind them of past wounds.
Understanding each other’s “raw spots”, as Dr. Sue Johnson (2013) describes in Emotionally Focused Therapy, helps partners approach conflict with compassion.
If a partner knows their spouse has a history of feeling abandoned, they can reassure them instead of withdrawing during a fight.
Practicing Emotional Responsiveness Daily
Repair after a fight isn’t just about one conversation—it’s about creating daily emotional safety.
The brain rewires itself through repeated positive interactions (Siegel, 2012).
Small actions like checking in emotionally, offering physical affection, and responding to bids for connection all help create a secure relationship where fights don’t feel like a threat to the relationship’s survival.
Avoiding the “Four Horsemen” in Future Conflicts
Dr. Gottman’s research (1999) identified four toxic communication patterns that predict divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
During the repair process, couples should reflect on whether these patterns showed up in the fight and actively replace them with healthier communication strategies. For example, instead of criticism, use a gentle start-up: “I felt hurt when you said that. Can we talk about it?”
Cultivating a Culture of Repair
Couples who make repair a normal part of their relationship feel safer, even when conflicts arise. The goal is to shift from a mindset of winning an argument to prioritizing connection.
Partners who regularly say, “I’m sorry for how I spoke earlier. I didn’t mean to hurt you” and “I appreciate you listening to me” build emotional security over time.
Turning Fights Into Opportunities for Growth
No couple can avoid conflict, but what determines relationship strength is how partners repair after a fight. Using the Gottman Aftermath of a Fight tool, calming the nervous system, and reinforcing emotional safety helps transform arguments from painful events into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.
By consistently repairing, partners can heal past wounds, reduce intrusive thoughts, and cultivate a relationship where safety, love, and emotional resilience thrive.
At Wisdom Within Counseling, Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind teaches you and your partner how to understand each other more deeply.
How Does Marriage Therapy Teach Couples Skills For Expressing Emotional Needs Directly and Effectively to Reduce Anxiety and Fear?
When couples have experienced past hurt, rejection, or emotional neglect, expressing emotional needs can feel incredibly vulnerable.
Many partners fear being dismissed, judged, or triggering another painful conflict. However, clear and direct communication of emotional needs is essential for healing, rebuilding trust, and reducing anxiety in a relationship. Neuroscience shows that when partners feel emotionally safe, their nervous systems regulate, allowing them to reconnect rather than retreat into fear or defensiveness.
At the core of this process is understanding how the brain processes emotional pain. Research in affective neuroscience reveals that rejection and emotional neglect activate the same brain regions as physical pain, particularly the anterior cingulate cortex (Eisenberger et al., 2003).
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Emotional wounds from a partner can feel as intense as a physical injury.
When these wounds go unaddressed, the brain remains in a state of hypervigilance, leading to increased anxiety, fear, and avoidance of emotional closeness. The key to healing is creating new, secure relationship experiences that signal safety to the brain, replacing fear-driven responses with trust and connection.
One of the most effective ways to lower relationship anxiety is by using clear, vulnerable, and specific emotional expressions rather than assumptions, accusations, or defensiveness.
Instead of saying, “You never care about me”, which can trigger defensiveness, a partner can express, “I feel disconnected and lonely when we don’t spend time together. I need reassurance that I’m important to you.” This approach follows the Gottman “I” Statement Formula, which frames emotional needs in a way that invites closeness rather than conflict.
Neuroscience supports this shift—when emotional needs are expressed in a calm, regulated manner, the prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning and connection) remains engaged, preventing emotional flooding and reactive shutdown.
When one partner says, “It really hurt me when I felt ignored last night,” and the other responds, “I can understand why that hurt you. I never want you to feel unimportant”, it signals emotional safety and co-regulation.
For couples struggling with past hurt, active listening and validation are essential. The mirror neuron system in the brain allows us to experience empathy by mirroring the emotions of others (Iacoboni, 2009).
When partners feel heard and validated, the amygdala, the brain’s fear center, calms down, reducing stress and increasing emotional connection.
Another powerful tool for effective emotional communication is understanding attachment styles. Research by Dr. Sue Johnson (2013) in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) shows that couples who have experienced rejection or betrayal often develop anxious or avoidant attachment patterns.
Those with anxious attachment may express emotional needs in an overwhelming or demanding way (“You don’t love me anymore!”), while those with avoidant attachment may shut down, fearing emotional vulnerability (“I don’t want to talk about this”).
Recognizing these patterns helps couples shift from reactive behaviors to clear, direct requests for emotional reassurance, such as “I need to feel close to you. Can we spend time together tonight?”
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
To reduce anxiety around expressing emotional needs, couples must also create rituals of emotional safety.
This means setting up regular, structured times to talk about emotions, rather than only addressing issues in moments of distress.
The Gottman Method recommends weekly State of the Union meetings, where partners check in about emotional closeness, needs, and any lingering hurt feelings. This consistent space for open dialogue helps prevent emotional build-up and reduces fear around difficult conversations.
Healing emotional wounds also requires partners to respond positively to bids for connection. Dr. John Gottman’s research (1999) found that happy couples turn toward each other’s emotional bids 86% of the time, while distressed couples do so only 33% of the time.
A bid for connection can be as simple as one partner saying, “I had a stressful day”, and the other responding with attention and care.
When these bids are consistently met with love rather than dismissal, the brain rewires its expectations from “I have to protect myself” to “I am safe to express my needs.”
For partners carrying deep wounds of unwantedness or rejection, rebuilding emotional trust takes small, repeated moments of safety. The neuroplasticity of the brain allows for healing over time—each time a partner expresses an emotional need and it is met with care, new neural pathways form that reinforce security and connection.
At Wisdom Within Counseling, Gottman couples therapy with Katie Ziskind teaches you both skills for emotional connection and security.
Over time, these small interactions overwrite past fears of rejection or neglect, allowing the nervous system to relax in the presence of a loving partner.
Finally, mindfulness and breathwork can be valuable tools in reducing anxiety when expressing emotional needs.
Studies show that deep breathing regulates the autonomic nervous system, shifting from a fight-or-flight response to a parasympathetic “rest and digest” state (Porges, 2011).
Before a difficult conversation, couples can practice slow, deep breathing together, grounding themselves to approach the discussion with calmness and emotional openness. This simple practice prevents reactive arguments and fosters emotional attunement.
By combining scientifically backed communication strategies, emotional safety rituals, attachment awareness, and mindfulness practices, couples can effectively express emotional needs without fear, reduce anxiety, and build a relationship where both partners feel valued, heard, and emotionally secure.
Healing from past rejection or unwantedness doesn’t happen overnight. But, with consistent emotional transparency and responsiveness, couples can create a new, resilient foundation for love, trust, and intimacy.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
How Can Couples Counseling Help Us Develop a Shared Meaning System to Strengthen Resilience After Past Hurt and Betrayal?
When couples have experienced deep emotional wounds—whether from betrayal, rejection, or neglect—it can feel as though they are speaking different emotional languages.
One of the most powerful ways to rebuild connection and strengthen resilience is by developing a, “Shared Meaning System,” a concept from the Gottman Method that helps partners create a deeper sense of purpose, unity, and understanding in their relationship.
Shared meaning goes beyond daily interactions. It builds a strong emotional foundation by aligning values, rituals, dreams, and long-term goals, allowing couples to feel like they are truly in this together.
To begin developing a, “Shared Meaning System,” couples need to reconnect with their core values and relationship vision.
This means having intentional conversations about what truly matters to each partner, including beliefs about love, commitment, family, intimacy, and personal growth. For a couple recovering from past hurt, this can be especially healing, as it allows them to reshape their relationship narrative, moving from one of pain and mistrust to one of renewal and partnership.
Instead of focusing solely on past mistakes, couples can ask, What kind of relationship do we want to build together? and What lessons can we learn from our challenges?
These discussions foster hope and create a roadmap for moving forward.
Another key aspect of shared meaning is establishing relationship rituals—small, meaningful habits that promote connection and predictability in the relationship.
For couples healing from past wounds, rituals such as weekly check-ins, morning gratitude practices, bedtime reconnection moments, or dedicated date nights help create a sense of safety and emotional stability. These routines reinforce the message that the relationship is a priority and provide a framework for rebuilding trust over time. According to Gottman’s research, couples who maintain shared rituals experience higher relationship satisfaction and resilience because they create consistent moments of bonding that counteract past hurt.
Healing couples also benefit from creating shared goals and dreams, which can reframe their relationship from one focused on past wounds to one filled with hope and mutual aspirations.
Setting future intentions—whether it’s traveling together, starting a family, or simply committing to better communication—gives couples something to look forward to, making it easier to weather difficult moments. Studies have shown that couples who work toward common goals feel a greater sense of partnership and are more likely to stay emotionally engaged, reducing the risk of emotional disconnection.
Lastly, a “Shared Meaning System” requires ongoing, open dialogue, especially when past pain resurfaces.
Even after progress is made, triggers from past hurt can arise, causing one or both partners to retreat into old patterns. By committing to emotionally vulnerable conversations, couples can address these triggers with understanding rather than defensiveness.
Using tools like Gottman’s State of the Union Meeting or Aftermath of a Fight conversation framework, partners can ensure that hurt feelings are acknowledged and processed, rather than ignored or invalidated.
Over time, this deepens emotional security and reinforces the couple’s commitment to growing together.
Through shared meaning, couples can transform past wounds into a stronger, more resilient relationship foundation—one built on trust, intentionality, and mutual support.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
How Can Marriage Therapy Help You and Your Spouse Create Emotional and Physical Safety with “No-Pressure Intimacy” Nights?
For couples who have experienced past hurt, rejection, or unwantedness, the idea of intimacy can feel anxiety-inducing rather than connecting.
When fear of rejection or past emotional wounds linger, partners may avoid physical closeness altogether, leading to emotional and physical disconnection.
Dr. John Gottman (2015) emphasizes that non-sexual physical touch is a critical component of rebuilding trust and safety in a relationship. One effective strategy to foster this connection is scheduling “no-pressure intimacy” nights, where couples can engage in safe, affectionate touch without any expectation of sex.
The Neuroscience of Safe Physical Connection
The human nervous system is wired for connection, and safe physical touch releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone (Uvnäs-Moberg, 2003).
However, when a partner has experienced past hurt, their amygdala (the brain’s fear center) may activate at the idea of physical intimacy, associating it with past rejection or pressure.
“No-pressure intimacy” nights help rewire these fear responses by creating new, safe experiences of touch. Healthy touch allows the nervous system to relax and recognize that closeness does not always lead to obligation or anxiety.
Setting the Right Intention
Before implementing no-pressure intimacy, couples should discuss why it’s important. The goal is to cultivate emotional closeness and safety, not to create a stepping stone to sex.
This discussion itself is an act of emotional intimacy, as partners express their needs, fears, and desires for connection without pressure.
A simple phrase like “I want to feel close to you, but I also want to feel safe in my body. Can we try no-pressure intimacy nights?” can set the tone for a healing experience.
Scheduling a Consistent Time
Just as couples schedule date nights, no-pressure intimacy nights should be intentional and consistent. Research on emotional security (Johnson, 2013) shows that predictability in connection fosters a sense of safety.
By setting a recurring time—whether once a week or more—partners create a reliable space for closeness without the fear of unspoken expectations.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Creating a Comforting Atmosphere
The environment plays a crucial role in signaling safety to the nervous system. Dimming the lights, playing soft music, or even lighting a candle can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and emotional openness (Porges, 2011).
Choosing a cozy space, like the couch or bed, without sexual connotations, helps reinforce the idea that this time is about comfort and connection, not performance.
Exploring Different Forms of Non-Sexual Touch
No-pressure intimacy nights can involve a variety of safe, comforting, and grounding physical interactions, such as:
- Holding hands while talking or watching a show
- A gentle back rub or foot massage
- Cuddling in bed or on the couch without the expectation of escalation
- Lying next to each other with slow, synchronized breathing
- A warm embrace or forehead kisses
Gottman (2015) emphasizes that physical intimacy is about emotional connection, not just sex, and these moments help rebuild trust in the body and the relationship.
Recognizing and Respecting Boundaries
For intimacy to feel safe, clear boundaries need to be honored. One partner may feel comfortable with a long hug but not a deep embrace, or with holding hands but not with lying close together.
The key is to check in often: “Does this feel good for you?” or “Let me know if you want to adjust anything.”
These simple statements reinforce a culture of consent, where both partners feel in control of their comfort level.
Overcoming Intrusive Thoughts and Anxiety
For those who have experienced past rejection or sexual pressure, intrusive thoughts may surface even during non-sexual touch. The brain may replay past moments of feeling unwanted or pressured, leading to emotional shutdown. To counteract this, partners can practice grounding techniques such as:
- Naming three things they feel, hear, or smell in the present moment
- Focusing on their breath and the warmth of their partner’s touch
- Reminding themselves that this moment is safe and different from the past
Over time, the brain rewires itself through repeated experiences of safety, replacing old fears with new feelings of comfort (Ecker et al., 2012).
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Using Words to Deepen Emotional Closeness
Physical connection is even more powerful when paired with verbal affirmations. During a no-pressure intimacy night, partners can express their appreciation, such as:
- “I love being close to you like this.”
- “I feel really safe and connected right now.”
- “I love that we are taking this time to rebuild our closeness.”
These statements help soothe any underlying fears of rejection and create a positive association with intimacy.
Reflecting on the Experience Together
After each no-pressure intimacy night, it’s helpful to reflect on the experience together. A simple check-in, such as “How did that feel for you?” or “Did anything stand out that we should try again?”, ensures that both partners feel heard and valued.
Over time, this strengthens the couple’s ability to communicate openly about their needs, fears, and desires, making intimacy feel safer and more fulfilling.
Building a Foundation of Safe Intimacy
No-pressure intimacy nights help couples heal from past hurt and rejection by reintroducing physical connection in a safe, supportive way. By scheduling consistent, expectation-free moments of closeness, partners rebuild trust, calm the nervous system, and create new positive experiences of intimacy. Over time, this practice fosters a deeper emotional bond, allowing couples to move toward a more fulfilling and secure relationship at their own pace.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
How Can Marriage Therapy Teach You The Strategy of Seeing Your Partner as a Wounded Inner Child, A Gottman-Based Approach to Empathy and Compassion?
When a relationship is struggling due to past hurt, rejection, or betrayal, it can be easy for partners to see each other through the lens of frustration, disappointment, or resentment.
However, Dr. John Gottman’s research emphasizes that cultivating empathy and compassion is essential for rebuilding trust and safety (Gottman & Silver, 2015). One of the most transformative ways to foster deeper understanding in a marriage is by viewing your partner as a wounded inner child—a child in pain, carrying past wounds, fears, and unmet needs.
This shift in perspective allows partners to respond with care, gentleness, and emotional presence, rather than reacting from a place of anger or defensiveness.
Understanding the Neuroscience of the Inner Child in Relationships
Neuroscience reveals that early childhood experiences shape adult attachment patterns and emotional responses (Siegel, 2012). When a person experiences rejection, abandonment, or trauma in childhood, their nervous system becomes wired to anticipate similar threats in adulthood.
In marriage, this means that even small conflicts can trigger deep-seated fears of being unwanted, unloved, or not good enough.
When partners recognize that defensive reactions stem from childhood pain rather than intentional harm, they can respond with soothing rather than further triggering the fear response.
Shifting Your Perspective: Seeing the Child Behind the Reaction
When your partner is upset, withdrawing, or lashing out, imagine them as a small child who is scared, hurt, or overwhelmed.
Instead of seeing their reaction as an attack or rejection, ask yourself:
- What pain is underneath this reaction?
- What unmet emotional need is showing up right now?
- How can I offer reassurance and support instead of reacting defensively?
This mindset shift helps depersonalize conflicts, making space for compassion rather than resentment. It allows you to focus on the root emotional wound rather than just the surface behavior.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Using Gentle Startups: Speaking to the Inner Child with Care
Dr. Gottman found that the way a conversation begins determines how it will end (Gottman, 1999).
Instead of using criticism or blame, partners can use gentle startups that acknowledge the inner child’s pain.
For example:
- Instead of “You never listen to me!”, try “I feel unheard, and it reminds me of when I felt invisible as a kid. Can we talk about this?”
- Instead of “You’re always shutting down!”, try “I notice you pulling away, and I wonder if you’re feeling overwhelmed. I want to be here for you.”
Speaking with warmth and curiosity rather than blame helps create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to open up.
Practicing Repair After Conflict: Reassuring the Inner Child
All couples experience conflict, but the way they repair after an argument determines relationship longevity (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
After a hurtful fight, instead of ignoring the pain, validate the wounded inner child by offering words of comfort:
- “I see now that my words hurt you, and I never want you to feel unloved.”
- “I didn’t realize how much this reminded you of past pain. I want to do better.”
- “You are safe with me, and I will keep working to support you.”
These types of repair statements help rebuild emotional safety, allowing both partners to move forward rather than getting stuck in cycles of hurt.
Offering Physical and Emotional Comfort
When a child is scared or sad, they don’t need logic—they need comfort, safety, and reassurance.
The same applies to a partner in distress.
Rather than trying to fix the problem immediately, offer non-verbal reassurance, such as:
- Holding their hand
- Placing a gentle hand on their back
- Maintaining soft eye contact
- Speaking in a soothing tone
These small gestures activate the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress and signaling to your partner’s brain that they are safe and loved (Porges, 2011).
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Using Love Maps to Understand Your Partner’s Triggers
One of the Gottmans’ key relationship tools is Love Maps—a deep knowledge of your partner’s inner world, including their fears, joys, and childhood experiences (Gottman, 2015). By understanding the past wounds that shape your partner’s reactions, you can approach them with greater sensitivity.
Some useful Love Map questions include:
- What was your biggest fear as a child?
- What made you feel most loved growing up?
- What kind of emotional wounds still affect you today?
By exploring these questions together, partners develop a richer emotional connection, allowing them to navigate conflicts with greater care and awareness.
Rewriting the Narrative of Past Pain Together
For many couples, past wounds resurface in the form of negative stories about the relationship (“You always abandon me” or “You never truly care about me”). One Gottman-based technique for healing is rewriting these narratives together.
This means acknowledging the past hurt while creating a new, healing story:
- “Yes, we’ve had struggles, but we are learning to support each other better now.”
- “I used to feel rejected, but I see that you’re showing up for me in new ways.”
This shift from painful memories to a hopeful future helps both partners feel more secure and connected.
Creating a Secure Emotional Base for Each Other
Just like children need secure attachment figures to thrive, partners need to know they can rely on each other emotionally. Gottman calls this being “your partner’s safe haven”—a place they can turn to for comfort, reassurance, and acceptance.
This means:
- Responding warmly when your partner reaches out for emotional support
- Avoiding dismissiveness or criticism when they express vulnerability
- Offering reassurance during moments of insecurity (“I love you and and I’m here.”)
When partners consistently show up for each other this way, their nervous systems relax, and their relationship becomes a source of healing rather than stress.
Building a Relationship Where Emotional Safety Thrives
By viewing your partner as a wounded inner child in need of love, not a source of frustration, you cultivate deep empathy, compassion, and emotional resilience. Through gentle communication, emotional reassurance, and intentional repair, couples can transform old wounds into opportunities for deeper connection.
In doing so, they create a marriage where both partners feel safe, cherished, and truly understood—a foundation for lifelong intimacy and trust.
If you and your partner need professional guidance, reach out for couples coaching and marriage therapy at Wisdom Within Counseling.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Katie Ziskind is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), sex-positive relationship coach, and Gottman Level Two trained marriage specialist with extensive experience in helping couples rebuild trust, restore intimacy, and strengthen emotional bonds after betrayal, rejection, or emotional disconnection.
She is a Certified Sex Therapy-Informed Professional (CSTIP) and an LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist, specializing in issues such as infidelity recovery, pornography addiction, sex addiction, emotional neglect, and relationship conflict resolution.
Her marriage therapy approach integrates attachment-based therapy, emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), Imago relationship therapy, and mindfulness-based techniques to help partners feel safe, seen, and connected again.
Navigating a relationship after experiencing emotional pain, betrayal, or a lack of intimacy can feel like a heavy, unending challenge.
When trust has been broken or connection has faded, it can be incredibly difficult to know where to begin the healing process.
That’s where working with Katie Ziskind can make all the difference. With years of experience, a holistic, compassionate approach, and a commitment to fostering lasting, healthy relationships, Katie Ziskind specializes in helping couples rebuild what was once broken and create a thriving, emotionally connected marriage.
To begin, click below to start in Gottman couples therapy to repair after hurt, betrayal, emotional pain, and conflict, and co-create security, closeness, and intimacy.
Expertise in Rebuilding Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
If you’re feeling disconnected, emotionally shut off, or disconnected from your partner, Katie’s approach to emotional and sexual intimacy can help you start feeling close and connected again.
As a certified sex therapy-informed professional and Gottman Level 2 trained specialist, Katie understands the emotional dynamics that keep couples stuck in patterns of fear, anxiety, and unmet needs. Through evidence-based methods and deep compassion, she will help you and your partner break free of old patterns and build a relationship where you feel emotionally supported, sexually alive, and deeply loved.
Creating a Safe, Non-Judgmental Space for Healing
Feeling like you are walking on eggshells around your partner and fearing more misunderstandings and rejection? This way of relating prevents meaningful communication.
Working with Katie Ziskind creates a safe, non-judgmental space where both of you can express your needs. You both can talk about hurt and abandonment without criticism.
Katie Ziskind offers an empathetic and sex-positive, and her LGBTQIA+ affirming approach. She ensures that all couples feel welcomed, heard, and respected, no matter their background or struggles. As well, she provides a Gottman marriage therapy environment where vulnerability is welcome. She makes it easier to open up and take the necessary steps toward healing after past pain.
Addressing Both Emotional and Sexual Concerns In Gottman Couples Therapy
Many couples are unsure of how to balance the emotional and sexual sides of their relationships. If past pain has affected your physical connection, you may feel uncertain or distant.
Katie Ziskind’s integrated approach addresses both emotional and sexual concerns, helping you navigate both intimacy and emotional vulnerability.
Whether you need help dealing with emotional wounds after infidelity or are struggling with sexual intimacy concerns, Katie Ziskind’s expertise allows you to address both areas simultaneously, supporting a holistic healing journey.
Gain Tools to Navigate Conflict and Disconnection at Wisdom Within Counseling
In the heat of an argument or moment of emotional pain, couples often resort to hurtful language or withdrawal.
Through Gottman-based interventions, Katie Ziskind will teach you practical tools to navigate conflict without escalating. You both get a safe place in couples counseling to talk about emotional needs.
You’ll learn how to offer gentle communication, practice repair after a fight, and stay emotionally connected during challenging moments. Katie Ziskind will equip you with tools like active listening, emotionally safe boundaries, and conflict resolution skills that help you understand each other better and grow through tough times together.
Understanding the Roots of Emotional Pain in Gottman Couples Therapy at Wisdom Within Counseling
Many couples’ struggles have roots in past trauma, unmet emotional needs, and childhood attachment wounds.
Katie Ziskind’s approach to therapy isn’t just about addressing surface-level issues—she dives deep into the emotional landscape of each partner, helping you uncover the root causes of your pain and communication barriers.
This understanding allows for empathy, compassion, and healing, fostering deeper emotional resilience and connection. Whether the issue is trust, emotional neglect, or past abandonment, Katie helps you both navigate your emotional histories so you can understand one another and move forward in a healthy way.
Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal or Hurt
Trust can be incredibly difficult to rebuild once it’s been broken. Whether due to infidelity, betrayal, or emotional neglect, Katie Ziskind provides actionable steps to help rebuild trust over time.
You’ll learn how to validate each other’s emotions, set healthy boundaries, and take responsibility for past hurts in a way that fosters healing and restoration. Rebuilding trust is a gradual process, and Katie will guide you through the necessary steps to heal while maintaining a deep sense of emotional safety and security.
Empowering Both Partners for Long-Term Success
Katie Ziskind believes that lasting relationship success requires both partners to feel empowerment in the process of healing.
She works with couples to ensure that both partners support the relationship’s growth. Both of you can learn how to take responsibility for their own emotional well-being. As well, you both can learn to show up for each other with empathy and love.
By providing you with the right tools to understand each other’s needs, empowering your connection, and fostering emotional resilience, Katie helps you move forward as a team, rather than in isolation.
Support for Your Unique Relationship
Every relationship is unique, and Katie Ziskind recognizes that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Whether you and your partner are dealing with communication issues, sexual intimacy concerns, or healing from betrayal, Katie Ziskind tailors each session to fit your relationship’s needs.
Her approach ensures that you receive the exact tools and strategies that are right for your relationship, offering targeted support that feels meaningful and relevant.
Achieving Greater Emotional Resilience
Marriage counseling with Katie Ziskind goes beyond just resolving conflicts—it’s about building emotional resilience. Through each session, you’ll not only address past hurts but also learn how to navigate future challenges with a sense of strength and security.
By developing a shared understanding of each other’s needs and emotional triggers, you’ll find that even the toughest of situations can be handled with more empathy, patience, and mutual respect.
Take the First Step Toward a Thriving, Safe Relationship at Wisdom Within Counseling
Healing starts with the decision to invest in your relationship. Whether you’re seeking guidance to repair emotional wounds, rebuild intimacy, or learn effective communication skills, Katie is here to support you.
By working together, you and your partner can create a relationship filled with love, trust, and emotional safety, helping you thrive individually and as a couple. Take the first step today by booking a session with Katie Ziskind, and start building the emotionally resilient, safe, and fulfilling marriage you deserve.
